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This is not an amazing or important story. So just skip it if you’re looking for that. It’s just randomness from a discussion with a dumbass.
I shouldn’t be surprised when I talk to someone who is completely clueless about fighting. I’ve seen it so many times I should be immune to it by now and generally speaking, I am mostly immune to it. However, I had a discussion with a member of my extended family over the weekend that left me stunned by idiocy.
What surprised me the most wasn’t his level of cluelessness. His fight training consists of two or three TKD classes and his stepfather telling him how to “**** people up.” So, of course he doesn’t know ****. What surprised me was how adamantly he would argue his points, as if he held the secret key of fighting knowledge. My head damn near exploded.
One of my talents (and a talent shared by most rational humans) is that I’m able to recognize quickly when someone has more knowledge than me about something. For instance, if I strike up a conversation about clogged pipes with some dude and I realize he’s a plumber I’m probably going to pipe down and do more listening than talking. Not that I take the words of a more knowledgeable person as the gospel. I just am smart enough to recognize when they know more than me. And if I happen to disagree with him about how to clear a clogged pipe, I’ll probably keep it to myself because I recognize he may know something that I don’t. At the very least, I’ll advance my ideas gently and not forcefully. This avoids a lot of awkward situations and allows me to learn new things.
I don’t claim to be an expert on anything. I would classify my own level of martial arts knowledge and experience like this….I trained very hard for quite a few years. Unfortunately, a lot of that training time was mostly wasted because I didn’t understand what it took to become a good fighter. I wasn’t participating in the right kind of training. Eventually I figured that out and I spent some time exploring true quality training. I developed an understanding of what it takes to acquire the skill level I was hoping to achieve. I also realized I didn’t have the level of desire it took to actually achieve that skill level.
I was 30 something at the time. I had kids and a job and I was suffering injuries and I realized I didn’t want it enough. I stopped after spending a couple years immersed in quality training with quality partners. So I’m no expert and don’t claim to be one. But I can say with a fair degree of confidence that I did enough exploring to at least know what I don’t know. And I’ve learned a lot by talking with you bunch of turds. At the very least, I have a better understanding than a dude who learned to fight via a 15 minute lesson with his untrained stepfather.
Let me share some of the ideas which were argued confidently by this American badass, in no particular order:
• Grappling isn’t effective for street fighting.
• The best ways to win a fight are:
o Use a broken beer bottle.
o Hurl a brick.
o Pick up a rock (this was also his preferred way to defend himself when under mount).
o Pull a knife (I asked him if he had one on him and he said no).
o Shoot them (puzzling, since he doesn’t carry a firearm).
o Just go crazy.
o Be mean and nasty.
o Eye gouge.
o Bite.
o Squeeze the balls.
• Basically, his entire fight strategy is to Hulk out. Incidentally, I’d estimate his weight at 165lbs.
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• Fights happen too quickly for grappling to work. There’s no time for grappling.
• If people train to grapple they’re at a disadvantage because they’re likely to attempt to grapple rather than using one of the more effective strategies listed above.
• Biting, ball grabs and eye gouges are absolute fight enders.
• Royce Gracie’s first name is pronounced identically to Rolls Royce.
• The best MMA fighters of all time were Tank Abbott, Kimbo Slice and Ken Shamrock. For real. I can’t even make this **** up.
• He has been in three or four whole drunken street fights. In one of them, he bit a “wrestler” who had him in a headlock. He let go. Clearly proof that biting is the equivalent of Thor’s hammer.
Fellas, trust me. I picked this **** apart carefully, patiently, calmly, thoroughly. Point by point. Argument by argument. When he first started in on grappling’s ineffectiveness, I assumed he was an advocate of striking instead. Now, this is a much more common argument and one that can at least be understood. It’s an idea that can even be held by people who have had some training of some sort. So I started explaining the challenges strikers are likely to face against skilled grapplers.
But then I realized that he wasn’t really an advocate of any martial arts training whatsoever. He never once explained why striking would be advantageous or why a kick is better, or anything like that. Because his belief was that anything other than spazzing out in the manner described above was silly bullshit. Unnecessary. Wasted effort that will let you down in a real fight. Because what wins real fights is being meaner. More willing to shove your adversary’s face into the hot lava that covers the mean streets of Charlotte.
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I presented to him a carefully constructed argument to illustrate why, even if his methods happen to be effective, they’re not unique. That a trained fighter will have all of his Hulk smash strategy available to him in addition to a laundry list of other learned skills.
I didn’t even attempt to argue that he couldn’t use his asshattery against your average untrained fighter. I kept it even safer than that. I stuck to a point that seemed much easier to understand. That fighting a properly trained fighter is a completely different ball of wax than fighting an untrained fighter. That those fighters will enjoy advantages that your average Joe will never have.
Nope, nothing. He would hear none of it. He never flat out said it but it appears clear to me that he believes training to fight actually hinders your fighting ability. It also is clear to me that he believes that with approximately twenty minutes of training under his belt he is as prepared for a violent encounter as any man can possibly be.
Dudes, tell me……what the **** do you even say to that? I even shared with him my experiences being humbled the first times I got on the mats with decent grapplers. I tried to explain to him that some things can’t be understood without experiencing them. Nope. No acknowledgement that I could even have a valid point. Only an endless stream of silly arguments.
I could’ve just beaten his ass but it wasn’t the time or place. Finally I just gave up. After attempting to reach him with logic, I finally just told him that he was delusional and didn’t know what the **** he was talking about. After that he shut up and the conversation ended.
I’m not posting this looking for any answers. I understand the situation completely. He’s a dumbass who doesn’t know **** and thinks he does. It’s pretty simple. I just thought some of you may find some humor in the discussion. So there it is.
I thought of this video and actually referenced it during the conversation….
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fe3na9umxDA
